This is one of the funniest things I think I have ever read....
QUESTIONS TO A DOCTOR:
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION.... eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
AND REMEMBER: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – microbrew in one hand, chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!!!'
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
God-time
So, when it comes to God, can you spend too much time with Him. Too much time seeking Him? I work at North Coast Church. Three to four times a year, the leadership team plans a staff day…sometimes it is as simple as lunch, others a training of some sort. Once bowling. And, we spent one day at Green Oak Ranch playing games, building cardboard forts that impersonated vehicles and throwing, as well as dodging, water balloons.
So a week ago we were all called together to give us direction for our next all staff time. As we sat together waiting for what adventure we would be sent on, we were told to take a Sabbath. The following Wednesday the church would be closed and we were to spend our time in a day of rest and renewal. A day to seek God, a day to just listen. Listen? You mean it not about me talking?
I had planned on spending the time alone (with God) but then thought I’d just let God lead me. I ended up beginning my day with my sister. At times, she is one of my more challenging relationships so I felt lead to begin time with her. I have a friend who is Jewish – he once told me before the day of Atonement (Yom Kippur), you have to get right with man before you can get right with God. I think about that a lot. When I seek God, when I ask God for blessings…I stop to think am I right with my world, right with people in my life. Anyway, I met my sister at the Prince of Peace Abby in Oceanside. We first attended their mass (with the monks). Very cool. Beautiful, beautiful Abby atop a hill over the airport and then the monks…. I find monks so intriguing – so Godly. And they sing, as monks often do! After mass we went their one mile station of the cross prayer walk, stopping at each station reading the corresponding scriptures and discussing them on the way to the next station. My sister’s biblical knowledge is amazing. She has always been so much smarter than me. Sailing thru college, while I crawled on my hands and knees. Anyway, I would love to have her knowledge of the bible. I have good people knowledge, she has great book knowledge. So I am rambling. We spent three hours at the Abby, and then separated for the remainder of the day.
We then separated and I went to Torrey Pines, hiked the trails. Nothing real significant but spent time on the trails, listening to worship music and just being in “awe” of all that God has created. Spent a lot of time just listening, just sitting and some time reading Louis Giglio’s The Air I Breathe..subtitle Worship as a Way of Life. How we worship, what we worship and why. And how God both wants and designed us to worship Him. A day spent seeking God, something I need to do and will try to do more often.
So my recommendation for you, find time…an hour here, two hours there…set it aside to just be…just be with God…sit in His presence. No expectations, just let God lead you.
So a week ago we were all called together to give us direction for our next all staff time. As we sat together waiting for what adventure we would be sent on, we were told to take a Sabbath. The following Wednesday the church would be closed and we were to spend our time in a day of rest and renewal. A day to seek God, a day to just listen. Listen? You mean it not about me talking?
I had planned on spending the time alone (with God) but then thought I’d just let God lead me. I ended up beginning my day with my sister. At times, she is one of my more challenging relationships so I felt lead to begin time with her. I have a friend who is Jewish – he once told me before the day of Atonement (Yom Kippur), you have to get right with man before you can get right with God. I think about that a lot. When I seek God, when I ask God for blessings…I stop to think am I right with my world, right with people in my life. Anyway, I met my sister at the Prince of Peace Abby in Oceanside. We first attended their mass (with the monks). Very cool. Beautiful, beautiful Abby atop a hill over the airport and then the monks…. I find monks so intriguing – so Godly. And they sing, as monks often do! After mass we went their one mile station of the cross prayer walk, stopping at each station reading the corresponding scriptures and discussing them on the way to the next station. My sister’s biblical knowledge is amazing. She has always been so much smarter than me. Sailing thru college, while I crawled on my hands and knees. Anyway, I would love to have her knowledge of the bible. I have good people knowledge, she has great book knowledge. So I am rambling. We spent three hours at the Abby, and then separated for the remainder of the day.
We then separated and I went to Torrey Pines, hiked the trails. Nothing real significant but spent time on the trails, listening to worship music and just being in “awe” of all that God has created. Spent a lot of time just listening, just sitting and some time reading Louis Giglio’s The Air I Breathe..subtitle Worship as a Way of Life. How we worship, what we worship and why. And how God both wants and designed us to worship Him. A day spent seeking God, something I need to do and will try to do more often.
So my recommendation for you, find time…an hour here, two hours there…set it aside to just be…just be with God…sit in His presence. No expectations, just let God lead you.
Friday, April 24, 2009
How does this happen?
I started this blog with thoughts about marriage, actually with thoughts about taking the easy way out…well not me, but others. Today I received a call about a young marine who needed some quick help. His wife picked up and left, leaving behind their 3 month old and 2 year old. She took the bank account, but left the babies. Took the car and car seats, left the babies. No diapers wipes or formula. How does this happen? How does life get so overwhelming, so intolerable that you pick and go, leaving behind your children? I know nothing about the marriage, the husband, the life….but logic would tell you if the husband was the problem you wouldn’t leave your babies with him.
This is third time I’ve seen this in the past year or so. For most women, it’s the one bond they'd never break, so what does it take for a young mom to walk out on her family? In some cases, the mom is acting on a belief that it is genuinely better for the child. Maybe they think that the children will be better off with the dad….financially better, familiar environment, etc. Hmmm, maybe. Maybe, they think leaving the babies with the dad is genuinely leaving them in good hands or better hands. Could it be through depression over life that they no longer see themselves as fit to care for their children? Because their self-esteem is so low they talk themselves out of motherhood? So off they go leaving the babies with dad. Or, as in one of the cases I ran across, the grass appears greener away from the family and there is a new guy that looks like an answer to all of life’s problems.
So they go. They may even think it is a temporary measure. That eventually they’ll have the money and somewhere suitable to live, and then they will come for their kids. Of course they usually end up in court fighting for custody. In the end, the children have to choose and they choose to stay with their father because he is who they know.
I have never heard of a mom who walked away who felt that it was the right thing to do. No one can describe the misery of being a mother who is apart from their children. So I guess this is just another plea…go for help, cry out, see a counselor, talk to a friend, a pastor, a mentor…but cry out. Fight for your family, for your marriage, for your life. Giving up, taking the easy way out, going for the greener grass, quick escapes ….are never the answer in any areas of life but especially not with our marriage or our children. And, continually seek God.
This is third time I’ve seen this in the past year or so. For most women, it’s the one bond they'd never break, so what does it take for a young mom to walk out on her family? In some cases, the mom is acting on a belief that it is genuinely better for the child. Maybe they think that the children will be better off with the dad….financially better, familiar environment, etc. Hmmm, maybe. Maybe, they think leaving the babies with the dad is genuinely leaving them in good hands or better hands. Could it be through depression over life that they no longer see themselves as fit to care for their children? Because their self-esteem is so low they talk themselves out of motherhood? So off they go leaving the babies with dad. Or, as in one of the cases I ran across, the grass appears greener away from the family and there is a new guy that looks like an answer to all of life’s problems.
So they go. They may even think it is a temporary measure. That eventually they’ll have the money and somewhere suitable to live, and then they will come for their kids. Of course they usually end up in court fighting for custody. In the end, the children have to choose and they choose to stay with their father because he is who they know.
I have never heard of a mom who walked away who felt that it was the right thing to do. No one can describe the misery of being a mother who is apart from their children. So I guess this is just another plea…go for help, cry out, see a counselor, talk to a friend, a pastor, a mentor…but cry out. Fight for your family, for your marriage, for your life. Giving up, taking the easy way out, going for the greener grass, quick escapes ….are never the answer in any areas of life but especially not with our marriage or our children. And, continually seek God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)