We’ve all heard the phrase that Truth is Relative. Is it? Biblically truth is truth. It’s pretty black and white when you think about. My mother used to say my grandmother was a compulsive liar. Didn’t really matter what subject, big or little, just stretched, exaggerated or manipulated the truth. If it was sprinkling outside, she’d call it a downpour. A friend was 15 minutes late; she’d call it an hour. Nothing was ever exactly true, it was more of a moving target. Then again, how would you know if it was truth or not? Have you been there?
Money problems are often cited as the number one cause of divorce in America, but it's impossible to calculate because they are part of a larger cause usually called 'irreconcilable differences', which basically means that couple couldn't get along. I wonder how much are the actual money problems and stresses surrounding it or the dishonesty that starts growing around it. It’s interesting that someone who wouldn’t outright lie about something that did or didn’t happen, will lie about how much they spent, how much they make or how much debt they really have.
As we begin leading our 9th Financial Peace Course, we are once again faced with the unnerving reality of how many couples walk separate paths financially within their relationship, and the subtle and not so subtle dishonesties that occur.
I had a friend who used to buy clothes, take them home and hide them in the closet. When she wore something new and her husband asked about it, she would sharply or laughingly say, no I’ve had this a long time…you’ve seen it before. Lie? Well it’s not the truth.
I know a man who continues to gamble…just a little, mostly on a credit card…but over time getting farther and farther behind. His wife doesn’t know.
A spouse who doesn’t know how much the other makes, is actually under the impression its much less.
And then there is lying for the “right” reasons. Not wanting to disappoint or let down your significant other. Accruing debt, spending too much, not being honest about where you stand, the state of finances or even job cutbacks or losses.
The truth is relative? No the truth is truth. The truth is vital to the health of a relationship. Truth is the lifeblood of a marriage….it encompasses respect, value, security, love and communication. If you can’t trust the little things (that a sprinkle is not a downpour, or visa versa) then you’ll never be able to trust or survive the big things. Truth builds the foundation and lies will undermine the foundation quicker than anything. I don’t think money problems are the cause of divorce. I think the dishonesty that can surround money problems are more the issue.
Its hard to come clean, but harder to maintain a lie knowing the ground beneath you is eroding. Just an observation.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
What can I do today?
This past week I have been talking to a friend about marriage. It has reminded me how important it is to keep your eye on the ball. Back in May, I realized spring was upon us and it was time to reestablish my garden. Last year, we ate out of the garden almost all summer – lettuce, tomatoes, peppers, corn, etc. etc. So I enthusiastically planted a few things to get started – some cucumbers, zucchini and peppers. We then took a 12-day vacation to Chicago. After coming home it took a few days to settle in and I then climbed the hill to check out the garden. I half-expected the new plants to be dead or at least slumped over and crying for water. But they weren’t! They were gone. No sign of them what-so-ever. Not sure if they were dragged under by a gopher or hauled off by a raccoon, but they were nowhere to be seen.
So I realize this is really a lame analogy but it’s where my mind is today. You can take a perfectly healthy marriage, plant it in a perfectly good environment, surround it with perfectly good friends but if you don’t watch it, tend to it, care for it – you may just wake up and it’s gone. Marriage is hard. If it is not now, it will be some day, at some point.
I recently heard a pastor speak at a wedding and I loved his explanation, he said that we are called to love our spouse in the same way God loves us. We can never earn it, we don’t deserve it but He loves us anyway with all our faults and as often as we disappoint Him. We let God down so often, over and over we stumble, but He is faithful, loves us and gives us so much grace. Can we do that for our spouse? Continue to support and to build them up when they stumble, fail and disappoint? Can they do the same for us?
Everyday I wake up and pray that God will use me and that today I can serve Him well. Everyday I also pray how can I best love my husband today? How can I let him know that he is my priority? How can I best serve him today? God first, Husband second…all else after that. If you have God in the proper place and perspective, and spouse I the proper place and perspective everything else falls in line.
The busyness of life and the stresses of work, school, parenting can take their toll on your marriage. You cannot take your eye off the ball, so here are a few things to think about:
1. Make your marriage your priority.
Wake up thinking about your marriage. Write it on your bathroom mirror, your screen saver or your cell phone. WHAT CAN I DO TODAY TO LOVE MY HUSBAND (or wife) BETTER?
2. Keep in touch.
Check in on each other during the day – even just a text to remind them that you are thinking about them. Partners connect and talk often. Don’t let all the conversation be about kids, work, bills, stresses…sometime it needs to just be an I Love You, I Miss you or I am thinking about you.
3. Do the unexpected.
Surprise your spouse! Planning something special is an excellent way to infuse romance into your relationship….dinner, movie, special tv night, an evening walk. Put the kids to bed early or let them stay over at a neighbors. Don’t tell your spouse – make it a surprise. Lame but even the smallest surprises can feel like the biggest.
4. Talk about your personal goals.
Sit down together and talk about what you want out of life, what you want to achieve as a couple and personally. Write these down. Review them and modify them every few months. This makes you aware of what your spouse wants and their goals. This is vital and should also include financial goals.
5. Do not criticize.
Do not put down or criticize your spouse in front of other people. Instead, decide that you will both commit to build up and support each other when talking to other people. We have all been around couples who continually criticize – it is just plain uncomfortable for everyone. If you want your spouse to be a better person, help them become one by building them up, supporting them and loving them. People grow from care, not from criticism. NEVER criticize them in public – whether family or friends – it is not the place. If you have something to say, say it later in private.
6. Never go to bed angry.
My mama always said, never go to bed angry. If you are hurt, disappointed or upset with something that happened, discuss it. Do not enter into an argument but talk openly about what it was that bothered you and why. If it is a sensitive subject or things tend to turn into an argument easily, go to a public place. Sitting in a restaurant talking can often keep things much calmer that it might at home. Women – make sure you allow plenty of silent space for him to express his views, his concerns or opinions. We as women, ALWAYS over talk our men and then complain they don’t share enough.
7. Be quick to forgive and quick to say sorry.
Can you truly say you are sorry? Can you apologize for a situation or circumstance? Take the blame, take the responsibility. Often we are so busy looking at our part of the hurt we don’t see their part, or the piece we played. Its 50/50 folks. Actually its 70/70 – we should always be willing to take more of the responsibility. If we both take 70% of the responsibility we can’t help but meet it the middle. Talk things through, but make sure you are both talking.
8. Compliment your spouse - OFTEN.
Take time to notice everyday things that your spouse does like taking out the trash, playing with the kids, picking up the dog poop, doing the shopping. This shows your spouse that you appreciate them and the things that they do and you do not take for granted the effort they put into it. If you compliment these actions they will be much more willing to do it next time. Compliment often…how they look, what they wear….watch for things. It makes them feel good and reminds you of the things you love about them. It’s a win/win.
9. Be There
I had a friend once whose husband was a Cop – he got off work at 2AM. She had to get up for work at 6AM. She would go to bed at 9PM, to get up at 2AM, then back to bed with him at 3-4AM, up at 6AM and off to work. I asked her once why and she said if she was not available at 2AM to talk, to welcome him home, to help him decompress after work, she was sure there would be a midnight waitress somewhere who would be willing. I’ve always remembered that. Sometimes all your spouse needs is someone to be there, not event o talk just to love and support. If they are having a difficult day, respect that and give them space if needed.
I guess my final thought is this….when I search on the internet on loving your spouse I get over and over what women want, what men need to do to please their wives, to keep her happy. OK wives – what are you doing? Do you wake up each day and say how can I best love him today. How can I empower him, build him and make him my priority? I have found the more I love, build and care for my husband the better and better he treats me. I am treated like a queen but a lot of it has to do with treating him as my daily priority.
So I realize this is really a lame analogy but it’s where my mind is today. You can take a perfectly healthy marriage, plant it in a perfectly good environment, surround it with perfectly good friends but if you don’t watch it, tend to it, care for it – you may just wake up and it’s gone. Marriage is hard. If it is not now, it will be some day, at some point.
I recently heard a pastor speak at a wedding and I loved his explanation, he said that we are called to love our spouse in the same way God loves us. We can never earn it, we don’t deserve it but He loves us anyway with all our faults and as often as we disappoint Him. We let God down so often, over and over we stumble, but He is faithful, loves us and gives us so much grace. Can we do that for our spouse? Continue to support and to build them up when they stumble, fail and disappoint? Can they do the same for us?
Everyday I wake up and pray that God will use me and that today I can serve Him well. Everyday I also pray how can I best love my husband today? How can I let him know that he is my priority? How can I best serve him today? God first, Husband second…all else after that. If you have God in the proper place and perspective, and spouse I the proper place and perspective everything else falls in line.
The busyness of life and the stresses of work, school, parenting can take their toll on your marriage. You cannot take your eye off the ball, so here are a few things to think about:
1. Make your marriage your priority.
Wake up thinking about your marriage. Write it on your bathroom mirror, your screen saver or your cell phone. WHAT CAN I DO TODAY TO LOVE MY HUSBAND (or wife) BETTER?
2. Keep in touch.
Check in on each other during the day – even just a text to remind them that you are thinking about them. Partners connect and talk often. Don’t let all the conversation be about kids, work, bills, stresses…sometime it needs to just be an I Love You, I Miss you or I am thinking about you.
3. Do the unexpected.
Surprise your spouse! Planning something special is an excellent way to infuse romance into your relationship….dinner, movie, special tv night, an evening walk. Put the kids to bed early or let them stay over at a neighbors. Don’t tell your spouse – make it a surprise. Lame but even the smallest surprises can feel like the biggest.
4. Talk about your personal goals.
Sit down together and talk about what you want out of life, what you want to achieve as a couple and personally. Write these down. Review them and modify them every few months. This makes you aware of what your spouse wants and their goals. This is vital and should also include financial goals.
5. Do not criticize.
Do not put down or criticize your spouse in front of other people. Instead, decide that you will both commit to build up and support each other when talking to other people. We have all been around couples who continually criticize – it is just plain uncomfortable for everyone. If you want your spouse to be a better person, help them become one by building them up, supporting them and loving them. People grow from care, not from criticism. NEVER criticize them in public – whether family or friends – it is not the place. If you have something to say, say it later in private.
6. Never go to bed angry.
My mama always said, never go to bed angry. If you are hurt, disappointed or upset with something that happened, discuss it. Do not enter into an argument but talk openly about what it was that bothered you and why. If it is a sensitive subject or things tend to turn into an argument easily, go to a public place. Sitting in a restaurant talking can often keep things much calmer that it might at home. Women – make sure you allow plenty of silent space for him to express his views, his concerns or opinions. We as women, ALWAYS over talk our men and then complain they don’t share enough.
7. Be quick to forgive and quick to say sorry.
Can you truly say you are sorry? Can you apologize for a situation or circumstance? Take the blame, take the responsibility. Often we are so busy looking at our part of the hurt we don’t see their part, or the piece we played. Its 50/50 folks. Actually its 70/70 – we should always be willing to take more of the responsibility. If we both take 70% of the responsibility we can’t help but meet it the middle. Talk things through, but make sure you are both talking.
8. Compliment your spouse - OFTEN.
Take time to notice everyday things that your spouse does like taking out the trash, playing with the kids, picking up the dog poop, doing the shopping. This shows your spouse that you appreciate them and the things that they do and you do not take for granted the effort they put into it. If you compliment these actions they will be much more willing to do it next time. Compliment often…how they look, what they wear….watch for things. It makes them feel good and reminds you of the things you love about them. It’s a win/win.
9. Be There
I had a friend once whose husband was a Cop – he got off work at 2AM. She had to get up for work at 6AM. She would go to bed at 9PM, to get up at 2AM, then back to bed with him at 3-4AM, up at 6AM and off to work. I asked her once why and she said if she was not available at 2AM to talk, to welcome him home, to help him decompress after work, she was sure there would be a midnight waitress somewhere who would be willing. I’ve always remembered that. Sometimes all your spouse needs is someone to be there, not event o talk just to love and support. If they are having a difficult day, respect that and give them space if needed.
I guess my final thought is this….when I search on the internet on loving your spouse I get over and over what women want, what men need to do to please their wives, to keep her happy. OK wives – what are you doing? Do you wake up each day and say how can I best love him today. How can I empower him, build him and make him my priority? I have found the more I love, build and care for my husband the better and better he treats me. I am treated like a queen but a lot of it has to do with treating him as my daily priority.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Dancing with Jesus
Today I went to the funeral of a two year old. I watched her father, a 24-year old Marine, talk about his daughter with such grace. I so love “my” military families and although it makes me sound old, I am so proud of them as I watch them journey through life. No parent should ever experience the loss of a child. It is not how it should be. We should come into this life, live 95.3 years and die quietly in our sleep. But that is not always how it goes. It is actually rarely how it goes. One day you are playing in the park with your child, or snuggling on the couch or watching a movie together and the next day, they are gone. I can’t imagine the hole left behind.
After my father’s death, my mom always said it is not something you ever get over, it is something you learn to live with. Those words have always stuck with me. After my mother’s death, they rang even truer. The pain of loss remains, the hole remains. We build lives around it, we go on, we thrive, we live, we have joy again … but the hole is there. The hole that only that person, that friend, that parent, that child can fill. Over time I think the hole fills with memories and stories making it less painful but none the less it is still a hole.
Today was one of those days that I feel so blessed to be part of North Coast Church. I stood and listened to our Pastor talk about the loss and gently move the family thru the service, thru the reception, thru the burial. His words were powerful. His message was of hope. He spoke about how temporary our life is here…how this is just a blip in eternity. In the bible Peter writes about living in the tent of this body. Our body is just a tent…temporary. Chris said how much stock do you put in a tent? Do you build a driveway to it, put patios around it, install a Jacuzzi…no it’s temporary. You never plan to stay in the tent, you always plan to move on to a “real” place to live…that’s eternity. Everything here is temporary…a blip.
I felt blessed today. I have attended funerals my whole life, a lot of them in fact. Standing out by the graveside, kind of watching from the side, I experienced one of those moments that will have lasting impact. Hard to put into words but something along the lines of out of all the deaths I’ve seen and all the funerals I’ve attended, today I felt such peace in knowing, truly knowing, that eternity is there for us. In a way I always think we are waiting for God, but God is also waiting for us, we just leave our tent behind and go. Something profound in that.
So today I grieve with this couple and I share in the joy that their little girl is with our God, dancing with Jesus.
After my father’s death, my mom always said it is not something you ever get over, it is something you learn to live with. Those words have always stuck with me. After my mother’s death, they rang even truer. The pain of loss remains, the hole remains. We build lives around it, we go on, we thrive, we live, we have joy again … but the hole is there. The hole that only that person, that friend, that parent, that child can fill. Over time I think the hole fills with memories and stories making it less painful but none the less it is still a hole.
Today was one of those days that I feel so blessed to be part of North Coast Church. I stood and listened to our Pastor talk about the loss and gently move the family thru the service, thru the reception, thru the burial. His words were powerful. His message was of hope. He spoke about how temporary our life is here…how this is just a blip in eternity. In the bible Peter writes about living in the tent of this body. Our body is just a tent…temporary. Chris said how much stock do you put in a tent? Do you build a driveway to it, put patios around it, install a Jacuzzi…no it’s temporary. You never plan to stay in the tent, you always plan to move on to a “real” place to live…that’s eternity. Everything here is temporary…a blip.
I felt blessed today. I have attended funerals my whole life, a lot of them in fact. Standing out by the graveside, kind of watching from the side, I experienced one of those moments that will have lasting impact. Hard to put into words but something along the lines of out of all the deaths I’ve seen and all the funerals I’ve attended, today I felt such peace in knowing, truly knowing, that eternity is there for us. In a way I always think we are waiting for God, but God is also waiting for us, we just leave our tent behind and go. Something profound in that.
So today I grieve with this couple and I share in the joy that their little girl is with our God, dancing with Jesus.
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