Marriage Questions - Part I

At the risk of turning into Dear Abby, last weekend we had our monthly military wives breakfast. We offered a panel of women who have solid marriages to answer questions that you have...everything was covered from parenting, finances and communication to sex, no sex, infidelity and pornography. I thought it might be helpful to post some of the questions...some of the brief answers and if you have any of your own comments/answers, feel free to post a comment; it would be great to hear from you. We can classify this as Part I, as I have a lot of cards with questions on them. The answers are coming from a number of women whom I respect and trust their judgment, who are solid Christians and work on their marriages daily!

What are tips you can offer to keep the spark in your marriage? If you have kid’s promise to give yourself a date night where you do not talk about your kids! If you do not have kids, you have a bit more freedom so try something new together. Play basketball, do ceramics, pottery, exercise together….something! Either way, schedule your date night ahead of time so things do not get in the way. Above all….laugh!! If childcare is an issue – trade with a neighbor...watch their kids for their date night – they watch your kids for your night.

How do you deal with a husband that doesn’t want to talk about issues and then gets mad when you talk to your friends about it? Choose one friend that you want to be transparent with and tell you husband that you confide in her about everything or whatever the two of you agree upon. Remember this friend needs to be Christ-like and someone your husband respects. I have one friend I tell everything to but I also know that it does not go anywhere. Is your husband mad because he is finding out from another source? If so, you did not choose the right friend to confide in.

When you notice your husband changing or you yourself are changing, how do you adjust to the change even if you don’t like who they are becoming? Focus on who God has created them t be. There is a certain part of their/our DNA that does not change if we are followers of Christ. Focus on that and grow with him. If it is us changing….if we are looking to the Lord for how we should be changing we are good to go. If we are changing into someone he does not want us to be, and we all know when we are, nothing good will come of it. We will always change but by focusing on those things we appreciate in each other, who God has made us, and keep the open communication….we’re good.

What do you do to facilitate growth in your mate (spiritual and otherwise)? Be the light. Be the one that he can go to for encouragement. Men need to know that their wife respects and values them! Focus on the growth he has made and the areas he thrives in. Try not to compare and wish he was in a different position or was someone else. Understand what it means to be a man, husband and father. I have to remind myself that it is his job to be the provider and take care of us and with that comes a whole different ball game of obstacles and challenges. My husband acts differently than I and often his actions are motivated by those roles.

When you know your husband is going to make a mistake in his choices – wrong friendships or work choices – how do you approach him without telling him what to do? Ah this is a hard one. Make sure your approach is biblical and make sure you do not approach him as a mother. Come by his side and share feelings of concern. If you question his choices you are questioning him. Men do not like to feel like they are being questioned. Use “I” language. “I feel _______ is a bad influence on our marriage because….” Once you express your feelings, if he still chooses the “mistake” then it is his call – let him make the mistake – we are not their mothers. Of course if you are proven right – NEVER, NEVER say I told you so. Now would be the time to be encouraging and compassionate that it didn’t work out for him.

What is the correct action for husbands and porn? To the point…always bringing in the biblical principles that apply. Also, realize that PLENTY of men struggle with this. Again, use “I” language and let him know how it makes you feel as his wife and woman of Christ. If you can get him to agree, you can block these things as well whether it is the internet or if he is buying pay per view. It is great for men to be in a growth group or men’s group so they have accountability and be with other men struggling (and overcoming) with the same issues.

How do you get your husband to take on the role of “head of the household?” My husband is a believer, but is hesitant to take up the spiritual leadership of the family. Make sure your definition for “head of the household” aligns with God definition. I believe we as a society often add in our own definitions. I do the bills in my house along with many other things that wives often consider being the husband’s responsibility. We motivate each other to continue our spiritual growth. Know your husband’s strengths and weakness’ and try not have expectations for your husband that align with those weakness’. Build upon his strengths. You both bring a ton to the plate. Complement each other. I view “head of the household” is the one that has the final say. I express my feelings with respect and I expect him to consider them but I am okay with his decision.

How do you get over infidelity in a marriage? Prayer!! Figure out why it happened. Really why it happened!! It takes one person to do the act but it takes two people to get the marriage to that point. At the point of infidelity, both people need to dig in deep and learn about themselves and really find out what went wrong. There’s usually a lack of love and respect on both ends. It does not excuse the act at all but I do believe more marriages can survive the awful situation if they stop pointing fingers, get into counseling and looked at the speck in their own eye. And Prayer!!!

What’s a good way of getting a point across without it becoming an argument? Safety days! Safety days is a way to communicate. One person is the “speaker” the other is the “container”. The container is not allowed to comment on what the speaker says. You have to use “I” language expressing feelings. The conversation ends and you connect again the next day, but the roles reverse. This gives you time to listen to what is said, process it and not act on emotion. Best of all, you learn to listen which is one of the most difficult tasks!

My husband snores so we don’t really sleep together (not much sex). I think it is hurting him more than me, what or how should I handle this or do about it to keep our sex life alive? There are things he can check into w/his doctor to help his snoring but as a women…we have to realize that they require sex. That is how they are build. Give in. They feel loved, appreciated and wanted. Obviously, if there are underlying issues this response changes. But I would not stop having sex just because he snores. Heck hopefully you are not sleeping when you are having sex!!

I’ve noticed that my husband’s food intake affects his snoring. The more he eats/drinks at night – the spicier or heavier food the more he snores. Nose strips work pretty well. It also helps if I take an Advil or Tylenol pm...knocks me out and I can usually sleep thru it – not always, but usually. At least start each night in bed together.

I come from a previous marriage that had cheating throughout, without knowing it happened until the end of the marriage. My husband also comes from a past marriage with cheating, done by both of them. I am scared this will happen to us. It’s always in the back of my mind. How can I get these thoughts out of my mind and trust he won’t do it to me? It seems there is a trust issue already that may need some resolving since you have FEAR of him cheating. For me, I vowed to my myself and to God that I'd hang in there and do whatever it took to make my marriage work. Low and behold, my husband was unfaithful and God granted me the strength and courage to make it through the rebuilding process (yes, it was still very painful, but I tried to remember that God was in control)!! Through time, therapy, prayer and trust in God, our relationship was restored. All that said, make a vow to your marriage when tough times come along, including unfaithfulness, that you will do all you can (with God's help) to restore it. Trust in God, pray for your husband to have a pure heart, give your fear to God and get wise counsel!

The Voices sound like Jelly Beans

So I have been pondering food lately…okay not really pondering maybe obsessing, certainly eating! To start with you probably need to know my history. I was ten when I first started to gain weight. My mom was overweight (yes you could and should say obese, but this is my mom, so be nice.) I actually have a weird recollection of recognizing that she was overweight and wanting to be like her. I have the same weird recollection about wearing glasses. My mom and sister both wore glasses and I didn’t. I’d sit and squint, until I think I squished my eyes into near-sightedness. Maybe I would have gotten there anyway but hours of squinting probably didn’t help. Anyway, the fat didn’t affect my eyes…so I’ll go back to talking about weight. By my teens I was definitely overweight which continued into my twenties. Then the dieting – up, down, up, down, up, down. I should have just done push ups (up down up down up down) and it might have been more effective. I don’t even remember all the random diets.

Twice I’ve lost a substantial amount of weight, once on a liquid fast….hmmmm…now that I think about it, I think both times were on a liquid fast. Lost 100 lbs or so…then happily or unhappily ate my way back to the beginning. If you read diet or self-help books, you learn that food addiction is about control…or lack of control…or self-image…or lack of self-image….or rebellion….or deprivation. Dr, Phil says it is all about internal dialog telling yourself that you are not a good person. I think Dr. Phil might be tuned to the wrong channel. My dialogue goes nothing like that. I’ve read all the diet/self help books and I’ve never had that AH HA, the part that explains what goes on in my head. I think there is a definite battle that goes on between the ears. One little voice says "I will not eat that cookie," then the other voice answers, "Oh, but it will be so good and you deserve it.” Back and forth and back and forth….

So in 2006, as I crested 300 pounds, I took a giant leap and had gastric bypass…to be exact a Roux-en-Y where the stomach is separated and a small pouch is created and connected directly to the intestine. From there I lost 150 pounds. I won’t go into all the details, hands down the single hardest thing I have ever done – it certainly is not the easy way out.

So now I am analyzing and brain debating addiction. They say it take 20 days to change a habit – wrong! Two years and I can slip into the same old eating patterns without a thought. Put a jar of jelly beans in my vicinity and all thought of restraint is gone. It is amazing to think that with just a small pouch and no stomach access that we can still gain weight, but check any magazine or ask around and everyone knows someone who gained it all back. You actually have to beat the odds, bypass the bypass so to speak. So what makes it worth it? Are jelly beans that good? Are you kidding me?

According to wikipedia: “Addiction is characterized by the compulsive use of substances or engagement of behaviors despite clear evidence to the user of consequent morbidity and/or other harmful effects.” Yup, makes total sense.

So what has to happen is to make a life-long change in my relationship with food. You’d think after gastric bypass and all the life changes it created, that this would come naturally, but no. I keep thinking it is going to take some shift in consciousness – like a switch. I hear the right thing, read the right thing and walla – switch shuts off (or turns on) and I have new perspective in controlling my food intake. In the meantime, every day is a battle of will with myself.

We create powerful obsessions with food by trying not to eat certain foods. The more we try, the worse it gets. Eventually, the only thing filling our minds will be the thought of that thing we are trying not to eat. The jelly beans are calling to me. I hear voices and they sound just like jelly beans….or oatmeal cookies…..or wheat thins…….or

As kids, we ate when hungry and stopped when satisfied. But as adults, we morphed into pleasure-centered food addicts. Why is it so hard? Why is it so difficult to eat a little less? After all, we desperately want to eat right. It is our heart's desire. We want to be thin, healthy, full of life, looking great and living life to its fullest. But instead we throw it away for 20 seconds of taste-bud pleasure. Sick.

So I have no answers and continue to seek while each day fighting to not go back to where I have been. Can you relate?

A Bottomless Pit

So where does God fit in a marriage? Do I put God first or my hubby first? Of course occasionally my hubby wants to feel like a God, master of his domain etc. etc, but that aside is there room in a marriage for three? Him, me and God. In some ways, it may be easier to focus on God when you are single...channel that energy towards God, towards service, time for pray, time for reading, just time. I once had a friend tell me I spent way too much time in my own head. It think that was a subtle way of saying I spend too much time thinking about myself. He thought I should adopt a child so I would have someone else to think about. Instead I just got a new friend – seemed easier.... Anyway, now that I am married (again) seems I have very little time to think about myself. Of course I am heavily involved in ministry now, so I guess my outside focus is much more active than my inside focus. I also notice my Christian walk...my God Walk....is much more enhanced now. I need God more than I did before I was married. The struggle of living with another human day-in and day-out deepens my need for God. By personality type I struggle enough living day-to-day with the people around me (work, family, friends), but then to marry one....holy cow, that is an entirely different story.

When I was in my teens or twenties and wandering thru the dating world, my mother once told me that I was like a bottomless pit...I had high expectations that could never be fulfilled. I’ve thought about that for years. She may have been right (somewhat cruel sounding at the time, but ultimately right). I dated a lot...no one ever fulfilled me...most fell short, very short. I eventually married, nothing fulfilling there. Went back to single life...this is of course when I spent way too much time inward focused (isn’t that called narcissistic?). And then I met Mick, by far the closest anyone has ever come to meeting my expectations, to being truly fulfilling. It is so much the marriage, the man, the relationship that I have looked for, maybe even longed for my entire life. Bummer we didn’t meet until I was 45...would have been nice to add a few more years on the front end. Of course maybe we will live until we are 100 and then be truly sick of each other...who knows.

But I digress... so even with a man who really does fit almost perfectly, who meets so many of my expectations...who dare I say it...completes me (yuck!)...does God still come first? As I really ponder it, I believe it is probably not Mick that fulfills me or completes me. I think it is God working thru Mick, working in our marriage, our lives, our work. It is God filling that bottomless pit, bringing me up to a level that I can stand eye to eye with Mick and love him as he loves me, but both of us under the umbrella of God’s love – that is what truly binds up together. It is God that completes, that fulfills, that brings contentment and peace. God meets my needs. It is only when I forget this and think that I need to get all my needs, expectations and dreams met thru Mick, my husband that I’m truly disappointed. And what an unfair demand on Mick. I am asking him to do what only God can really do.