This past week I have been talking to a friend about marriage. It has reminded me how important it is to keep your eye on the ball. Back in May, I realized spring was upon us and it was time to reestablish my garden. Last year, we ate out of the garden almost all summer – lettuce, tomatoes, peppers, corn, etc. etc. So I enthusiastically planted a few things to get started – some cucumbers, zucchini and peppers. We then took a 12-day vacation to Chicago. After coming home it took a few days to settle in and I then climbed the hill to check out the garden. I half-expected the new plants to be dead or at least slumped over and crying for water. But they weren’t! They were gone. No sign of them what-so-ever. Not sure if they were dragged under by a gopher or hauled off by a raccoon, but they were nowhere to be seen.
So I realize this is really a lame analogy but it’s where my mind is today. You can take a perfectly healthy marriage, plant it in a perfectly good environment, surround it with perfectly good friends but if you don’t watch it, tend to it, care for it – you may just wake up and it’s gone. Marriage is hard. If it is not now, it will be some day, at some point.
I recently heard a pastor speak at a wedding and I loved his explanation, he said that we are called to love our spouse in the same way God loves us. We can never earn it, we don’t deserve it but He loves us anyway with all our faults and as often as we disappoint Him. We let God down so often, over and over we stumble, but He is faithful, loves us and gives us so much grace. Can we do that for our spouse? Continue to support and to build them up when they stumble, fail and disappoint? Can they do the same for us?
Everyday I wake up and pray that God will use me and that today I can serve Him well. Everyday I also pray how can I best love my husband today? How can I let him know that he is my priority? How can I best serve him today? God first, Husband second…all else after that. If you have God in the proper place and perspective, and spouse I the proper place and perspective everything else falls in line.
The busyness of life and the stresses of work, school, parenting can take their toll on your marriage. You cannot take your eye off the ball, so here are a few things to think about:
1. Make your marriage your priority.
Wake up thinking about your marriage. Write it on your bathroom mirror, your screen saver or your cell phone. WHAT CAN I DO TODAY TO LOVE MY HUSBAND (or wife) BETTER?
2. Keep in touch.
Check in on each other during the day – even just a text to remind them that you are thinking about them. Partners connect and talk often. Don’t let all the conversation be about kids, work, bills, stresses…sometime it needs to just be an I Love You, I Miss you or I am thinking about you.
3. Do the unexpected.
Surprise your spouse! Planning something special is an excellent way to infuse romance into your relationship….dinner, movie, special tv night, an evening walk. Put the kids to bed early or let them stay over at a neighbors. Don’t tell your spouse – make it a surprise. Lame but even the smallest surprises can feel like the biggest.
4. Talk about your personal goals.
Sit down together and talk about what you want out of life, what you want to achieve as a couple and personally. Write these down. Review them and modify them every few months. This makes you aware of what your spouse wants and their goals. This is vital and should also include financial goals.
5. Do not criticize.
Do not put down or criticize your spouse in front of other people. Instead, decide that you will both commit to build up and support each other when talking to other people. We have all been around couples who continually criticize – it is just plain uncomfortable for everyone. If you want your spouse to be a better person, help them become one by building them up, supporting them and loving them. People grow from care, not from criticism. NEVER criticize them in public – whether family or friends – it is not the place. If you have something to say, say it later in private.
6. Never go to bed angry.
My mama always said, never go to bed angry. If you are hurt, disappointed or upset with something that happened, discuss it. Do not enter into an argument but talk openly about what it was that bothered you and why. If it is a sensitive subject or things tend to turn into an argument easily, go to a public place. Sitting in a restaurant talking can often keep things much calmer that it might at home. Women – make sure you allow plenty of silent space for him to express his views, his concerns or opinions. We as women, ALWAYS over talk our men and then complain they don’t share enough.
7. Be quick to forgive and quick to say sorry.
Can you truly say you are sorry? Can you apologize for a situation or circumstance? Take the blame, take the responsibility. Often we are so busy looking at our part of the hurt we don’t see their part, or the piece we played. Its 50/50 folks. Actually its 70/70 – we should always be willing to take more of the responsibility. If we both take 70% of the responsibility we can’t help but meet it the middle. Talk things through, but make sure you are both talking.
8. Compliment your spouse - OFTEN.
Take time to notice everyday things that your spouse does like taking out the trash, playing with the kids, picking up the dog poop, doing the shopping. This shows your spouse that you appreciate them and the things that they do and you do not take for granted the effort they put into it. If you compliment these actions they will be much more willing to do it next time. Compliment often…how they look, what they wear….watch for things. It makes them feel good and reminds you of the things you love about them. It’s a win/win.
9. Be There
I had a friend once whose husband was a Cop – he got off work at 2AM. She had to get up for work at 6AM. She would go to bed at 9PM, to get up at 2AM, then back to bed with him at 3-4AM, up at 6AM and off to work. I asked her once why and she said if she was not available at 2AM to talk, to welcome him home, to help him decompress after work, she was sure there would be a midnight waitress somewhere who would be willing. I’ve always remembered that. Sometimes all your spouse needs is someone to be there, not event o talk just to love and support. If they are having a difficult day, respect that and give them space if needed.
I guess my final thought is this….when I search on the internet on loving your spouse I get over and over what women want, what men need to do to please their wives, to keep her happy. OK wives – what are you doing? Do you wake up each day and say how can I best love him today. How can I empower him, build him and make him my priority? I have found the more I love, build and care for my husband the better and better he treats me. I am treated like a queen but a lot of it has to do with treating him as my daily priority.
