Tough Times, Together

From Moments with You
Daily Connections for couples
Excerpted from Moments With You by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Copyright ® 2011 Dennis and Barbara Rainey

November 3

Tough Times, Together

We who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please
Romans 15:1

Life in a fallen world can be tough. But what makes suffering and hardship worse is that they often turn us against each other rather than toward each other. Here are a few ways to keep that from happening as you negotiate the common speed bumps and detours of life:

Give your spouse time and freedom to process trials differently. Fight the urge to discount each other's emotions or grow impatient with the time it's taking your spouse to deal with something. Some of us are quick to move on. Some process slowly and are more introspective. Give your spouse freedom to not be like you.

Recognize the temptation to withdraw from each other during periods of intense challenges. As a result, you end up thinking your spouse doesn't understand you or isn't taking the tough time seriously enough, which makes you want to pull back even more.

Respond to trials by embracing God's perspective of suffering. Search the Scriptures for God's counsel and point of view. Verses like "In everything give thanks" (1 Thessalonians 5:18) help to strengthen you through seasons of suffering by reminding you that God is good and He is in control.

Remember that your mate is never your enemy. As my friend Dr. Dan Allender says, your spouse is your "intimate ally," a fellow burden bearer for a difficult time.

If the burden or suffering persists, seek outside help. If you feel as if you're slipping off into a deep ditch as a couple, don't wait until you have all four wheels stuck before you seek help. Find godly counsel by calling a mature mentoring couple, your pastor or a biblical counselor to gain some traction.

Something to think about

Great excerpt from Dennis Raineys Moments about You.

Listen Up

But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.
James 1:19

I was reading the paper one day and came across an excerpt from a book called The Mistress’ Survival Manual, written by the founder of Mistresses Anonymous. (Now, I didn’t read this book. Honest. I simply read an article that mentioned it.) One of the quotes in the excerpt spoke volumes about a great need in today’s marriages. The author, who had spent her whole adult life engaged in adultery, said, “Many people think a mistress is a shapely young woman who wears flimsy negligees and lounges on satin sheets. But more likely than not, she’s just an extremely good listener.”

How many affairs have begun when one hurting person turned to another, sharing his or her disappointments with someone who was eager and motivated to listen to his or her problems? A woman wrote to us recently, telling how she had merely been talking with a young single man at church about a girl he was interested in dating. When the conversation turned to her marriage, she knew she shouldn’t go there—she shouldn’t tell him how unhappy she was. But pretty soon they were spending more time together, talking on the phone, wishing they could be together even when they weren’t.

“Every time I meet someone new who takes the time to listen and spend time with me,” she says, “I find myself drawn to him. Maybe I’ll get out of this one friendship on time, but what about the next person who comes around? Please pray for me.”

One of the greatest gifts we can give each other is the promise to be a good listener—tearing ourselves away from all our distractions and preoccupations, just to listen. To listen and understand. I can almost guarantee that your spouse needs you to be “an extremely good listener.”

Discuss
Talk honestly about the way you listen (or don’t listen) to each other. Share ways you both can encourage and sharpen your listening skills.

Pray
Pray for your ability to listen and really hear what your spouse is saying.

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Whats my assignment?

Assignments.  This word keeps appearing in random ways.  So you have to ponder what is your assignment?  Is it your family, your job, your hobby, your ministry, your serving, your passion.  Or maybe we never really know.  Maybe we’re like Mission Impossible.  Each day there is a tape left for us (yes God places it in our head) that says:  Your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves…..

If you google Mission Impossible you get….An elite covert operations unit carries out highly sensitive missions subject to official denial in the event of failure, death or capture.  

Ooooh….so my mission each day as assigned by God, if I choose to accept it, is highly sensitive and if I fail, die or am captured no one will really know what mission I was on?  That sounds about right. 

So we get in our heads that we have a distinct mission – we may even know what it is.  Particularly if you work at a church as I do … “obviously” my assignment is clear.  But maybe not.  Maybe our “assignment” is not a big picture thing.  Maybe, just maybe, it’s the little interactions, the water cooler conversations, the conversation over the neighbors fence or over a cup of coffee at Starbucks.  Maybe it’s even that text of support you send or receive from a friend.  Maybe our “assignment” is to care for Gods children as he places them in front of us in both big ways and in little ways.  Just a thought.

Semper Fi, Captain Lawrence W Jordan USMC, 1932-1965

Dear Dad


When I think about you there are so many things I want to remember. I want to remember walking hand in hand with you. I want to remember you reading me a bedtime story. I want to remember you throwing me in the air and catching me or riding high up on your shoulders. I want to remember the little things. I also want to remember the big things...teaching me to ride a bike, helping me with homework, threatening a first boyfriend, seeing me graduate, walking me down the aisle. But my memory jar is empty. You left to soon. I was too young.

Though I didn't know you, you taught me the most valuable lessons in life. You taught me to be strong. You taught me to bear pain. You taught me about honor, valor and what it means to die for a cause ... for God and country. Big lesson for a little girl who just misses having a daddy. But life lesson for the adult daughter of a hero. You may think that I was too young, that I would miss it all, you may think I didn't see, that I hadn't heard, but I got every life lesson that you taught me even though you weren't here. I got every word, it's written on my heart. Without you I wouldn't be woman I am today. Even without your physical presence, I've grown up with your values, understanding your courage, knowing your sacrifice, with you as my foundation.
You weren't there when I skinned my knee to chase away my tears; to help me when things were hard in school; to guide me through my fears as I navigated life. When I was old enough to drive a car, it wasn't you who taught me how. But you have always been my guiding star teaching me about righteousness, justice, morality and honor. So this memorial day I say a prayer and thank the Lord for the father I never knew but taught me so very much. Semper Fi, Captain Lawrence W Jordan USMC, 1932-1965.

To my friend...

Today I saw God. Or at least God in action. I witnessed a young mom sit before a camera and record messages to each of her children saying goodbye. It’s hard to put into words what went thru my head. First and foremost – wow. She was so eloquent. She spoke to the camera like each of her 5 children was sitting at her feet. She gave them wisdom, encouraged them to grow to be Godly men and women, to marry Godly spouses, to care for one another and most importantly to love God. Wow. I kept thinking over and over, “This is grace.” Not the grace we speak of as Christians, but grace in the form of beauty, elegance and charm. There are moments in your life you will always remember, moments to be cherished … this was one for me. I felt honored, humbled and totally unworthy to witness this beauty.


I am not sure why we need to make everything about us, but I guess its human nature. As I try to come alongside this family, I can’t help relating it to my own life. My friend is dying from brain cancer. I took care of my mother for 9 months as she battled brain cancer. The similarities are striking, so I have to keep reminding myself that every journey is different. My mother was 60, my friend is 30. My mother was a strong, fiercely independent woman but with a soft heart and warm spirit. I can easily say the same about my friend. The difference comes in that my father died before she did and she left behind two grown daughters. The loss still left a huge hole but as adults we have different comprehension, different understanding and more memories to cling to. My friend is 30. Her husband is young. Her children are young. She is young.

The other difference and I guess the thing that struck me the most as I watched her record her messages is her profound and I truly mean profound faith. I consider myself strong in faith. I don’t doubt God. I walk in obedience. I serve when called. I abide in Him. And, yet I heard my friends words to her husband, to her children, to her family….I was truly humbled. I felt as if I was witnessing something that went so much deeper than what I can understand. God is with her, right now, right here…guiding her, comforting her, bringing her peace. He is there in all His strength and all His glory bringing her home. Though the pain in her husband’s eyes, the confusion in her children’s faces is heartbreaking, it is both reassuring and an honor to witness her journey and the legacy she will leave with her children. And wow is such a weak response but sometimes it is all you can say…